Actual Persons


I’m not really a b*tch!

I am smart, funny, sweet (although I do have a naughty side), and I was really in LOVE with Mark! He’s cute and adorable in a nerdy way :)

— Erica Albright

It’s nearly 11 P.M. on a cool summer night in late August. There is just enough light to silhouette the trees against the sky, and just enough wind to set them noiselessly asway. Space weather reports have forecast a meteor shower emanating from Perseus, peaking sometime between midnight and 1 A.M. You’ve folded up two blankets: a soft and fuzzy one for swaddling, and a scratchy fleece one for the ground. A thermos of hot chocolate and caramel Bailey’s, a couple summer ales, and a flashlight complete the backpack. Light jackets on, deep breath in, and a brisk ckr ckr ckr down the pea gravel path behind your house. The path cuts through the trees and is almost completely dark, but to keep your nightsight the flashlight stays off. Footsying your way around the left, left, right of the path, you make it to the small clearing at its end. You fwhoughhfff out the fleece, plop down the backpack, and snuggle in close under the wool. Staring up at a thousand sun-sized pinpricks, you hear the frogs in the next-door nature sanctuary.

What do the frogs sound like?

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The Force Awakens as the Bizarro-Christ-Child of a Bad Religion


“Whosa are yousa?”


In my experience, two things are required in any discussion of the juggernaut that is Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens. The first is a brief recollection of one’s personal history with the franchise, with bonus points if the author can claim to have seen the original during its first theatrical run. The second is a superfluous and hopelessly uncritical sideswipe of those Star Wars movies the fandom has deemed unworthy: possibly Return of the Jedi, probably Revenge of the Sith and Attack of the Clones, definitely The Phantom Menace. I’m something of a traditionalist at heart, so I’ll start by confirming that whatever movies you already dislike are very very bad, and then get on with the juicy personal details.

I don’t know when I watched my first Star Wars movie. I can confidently say it was at least three years ago. My birthdate would indicate I didn’t manage to catch any of the original trilogy in theatre, but as for the prequel trilogy I genuinely can’t recall if I saw them in a theatre or not. I remember trying to playact at some sort of Star Wars story with my friend Blake, but his narrative instincts were all over the map—plus of the two of us I was the only one who could do flips on the trampoline, so fight scenes gradually shifted from deliberate back and forth stick-crossing to me frantically backflipping around and occasionally hitting him in the leg as I whizzed by, which he got tired of pretty quick. I know I played Star Wars: Rogue Squadron on the GameCube, and I think I got in a bit of time in on Star Wars Episode 1: Racer, but the only Star Wars game I remember with any amount of detail is Star Wars Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II,1 and even that I only remember in vague, pointillist details that probably aren’t even correct.2 I’ve never read a Star Wars book, comic, or graphic novel. I’ve not sought out the Christmas special, the despecialized original trilogy, or any other extra-filmic markers of “true fandom.” However, I did once have a copy of The Phantom Menace on VHS, which I watched multiple times a day for several weeks until I could (and did) recite the entire movie as I watched it (and, occasionally, as I brushed my teeth, waited for my mom to pay for groceries, ate dinner, etc.). I don’t remember my feelings about it, only that I watched it without end.

You may be rightly asking who cares, in which case I agree: with most other movies the above little biographical tidbits would be, as presented, more or less beside the point. What makes Star Wars unique, though, is that in this instance these tidbits, and in particular the tidbit re: Episode I, can and have disqualified my opinion on anything Star Wars in countless social circles. On first glance this may not seem that surprising—we casually write people off all the time for much less—but what is so odd is that it is precisely my appreciation for Star Wars that makes me unable to talk about Star Wars. That is, given that I like Episodes I, IV–VI, and bits of II and III in isolation, anything I may say about any future entries, be they main saga entries like The Force Awakens or anthology films like the upcoming Rogue One, is to be taken with a grain of salt. Or, to put it most plainly and confusingly, I like too many Star Wars movies to be a Star Wars fan.

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  1. Multiply subtitled entries with various combinations of colons, en dashes, and Roman numerals being something of a mainstay of the franchise. If these examples aren’t overwhelming enough, consider that the sequel to Star Wars Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II was not Star Wars Jedi Knight: Dark Forces III, but rather Star Wars Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast. It’s not hard to see why Disney took the immediate step of ignoring the labyrinthine “universe” that surrounded the franchise and substituting its own.

  2. Two details, to be exact. 1) Put every skill point into force destruction, and 2) don’t bother with any blaster other than the Wookiee bowcaster.